I haven’t posted anything in almost 4 months….a lot had happened and my mind was/is just a constant mess. I didn’t want to vomit all my thoughts on this blog considered that it just wasn’t my intention when I first started this blog, yet here I am, trying to articulate proper descriptions of what I’ve been feeling and still feeling today.
Long story short, I’ve lost someone significant in my life. Perhaps it’s too early to talk about this because the loss still feels fairly recent and that we are all still hurting as a family. Sometimes life is fucked-up in various ways, and my family have been through hell and back the past couple of years. Every single incidence was life threatening and definitely unexpected. We’ve always believed that what you’ve given out to the universe is what you will receive in return, thus my family have always been about trying to do good, help others, and never complain. But it just somehow didn’t work out. Bad things were still happening. There were constant unavoidable dramas taking place despite the best attempt to avoid them. To be honest, I still don’t know how my family is going to survive this one. I assumed it will take multiple group therapy sessions in the future to sort out everyone’s emotions and properly heal. Maybe we will never completely heal and the void will be inside us eating us alive.
The hardest part of the aftermath of the death of a family member is that everyone demands and expects you to go back to normal life, the “old” life from before. But the truth is it will never be the same without that person. I am still trying to get used this fact and it hasn’t been easy. I sincerely hope somehow I gain some profound wisdom from this or I understand the world better compare to where I was before. But honest to god, I haven’t felt this empty inside in a very long time. We can carry on and live as fulfilled as we possibly could, but in the back of my mind, I still think that our tragedy just served as another warning or fictionary tale to other families and friends, to help them make an adjustment or change their attitudes about their loved ones because life is too short and my god you really have to cherish every moment!
Why as humans we never truly learned until something drastic happened around you? The history shouldn’t repeat itself yet it has been in every aspect of the existence of mankind. I did some research and read up the five stages of grief. And needless to say, I diagnosed EVERYONE in my family. But like I said, it is still too early to tell which direction our family is heading towards, and I won’t be sharing more insight on this until I know more.
I’ve also found it difficult to focus and concentrate on my daily task. Everything just seems less interesting and every perception changed forever. I hope to find fuel again, and get more motivations to get my life back on track. Maybe working on this blog again is my way of coping with heartache and finding a sense of purpose again. I’ve been stimulating myself with constant creative inspiration and social media distractions to get out of being sad or angry or depressed. So bear with me, my readers. I hope to stay consistent with my content even during the busier months.
First of all I hope this summer was all kinds of wonderful and chic. For those of you who’s followed my Instagram, you are probably more aware of my whereabouts. Back to school season has gotten to the best of me, and I’ve officially started my 4th year dentistry course. It’s been super hectic and the frustration level was surprisingly high. It took me awhile to finally sit down and think about what’s next for my blog. Thinking a couple months ahead, school will only get busier and work will begin to pile up. However, I am going to really challenge myself to post at least once a week, whether that is inspiration posts or content I’ve created, I hope you guys bear with me! Thank you so so much for following this blog, let me know if there’s anything you want to suggest and comment down below! Happy Autumn lovlies.
Since coming to Spain and having to live here (due to my studies), I’ve lost a few people along the way, the so called “friends” that would always hit me up randomly to check up on me or to simply to lurk. It’s interesting to learned that as soon as people found out I was no longer pursuing fashion or art (for now) they gradually disappeared out of my life. It fact, what I do no longer interest them. All of the sudden it isn’t “cool” enough and I’ve lost the value to what they deemed was important or interesting about me. This really showed me who the real ones are and who gon’ be there through thick and thins. That being said, I need to acknowledge that it can be confusing for some people (sometimes including myself) because there was a time in my life that part of me really shined (I was voted the most likely to be in Vogue by the entire senior class in High School). I was creative, I had pink ombre mermaid hair and various other colors. I wore spiky high heels to school 4/5 days, and it all seemed like just the beginning of a fashion career that is going to take me far and take me to where I wanted to be (at least the people who voted for me believed in this too).
However, despite being artsy in high school, I also entered science competitions and participated in various science clubs throughout the four years, which I think was something that even myself often overlooked. Ultimately what I’m studying now and the career path I chose as the bread winning tool had little to do with a high fashion magazine, I’m still very proud of my decision of becoming a dentist. I think some people often undermine the fact that jobs in the medical field usually required extensive studies, dedication and hard work. Sometimes you failed miserably and sometimes sleep is not even an option. I’ve grown a new found respect for people who dedicated their lives to relentlessly studied medicine and literally saving lives by enriching, extending, and updating their medical knowledge. Not going to lie I have days where I struggled hardcore and questioned myself WHY DID I chose this life for me, but it is from those grappling and clenching movements where we improved the most and continue to strive to become the better version of ourselves.
I guess my point is, we shouldn’t put people in boxes and categorize them based on one singular characteristic about them. I used to put myself in a box and told myself that “I’m this person, therefore ____ is not for me”. But the truth is we are all multi-dimensional and we all have the potential within us to explore the different parts of us and become better at fields that we choose to craft. We shouldn’t limit ourselves and others, in fact we should encourage each other to step outside of the comfort zone and try out something new, even as risky as a career for the rest of our lives. Hence why I decided to commit myself to this blog. It is a platform where I let my artistic/fashion creativity flows, a space where I get to document my life and travels, and last but not the least, it serves as a living proof to myself and others that just because I chose dentistry, doesn’t mean I gave up on art/fashion IN LIFE. I still love it and is deeply passionate about it as I’ve always been. I do realized this is more lengthy than my usual visual-heavy posts, I hope it is not too tiresome to read and digest.
Let me know if your thoughts and comments, or if you are/were in a similar situation!