I haven’t posted anything in almost 4 months….a lot had happened and my mind was/is just a constant mess. I didn’t want to vomit all my thoughts on this blog considered that it just wasn’t my intention when I first started this blog, yet here I am, trying to articulate proper descriptions of what I’ve been feeling and still feeling today.
Long story short, I’ve lost someone significant in my life. Perhaps it’s too early to talk about this because the loss still feels fairly recent and that we are all still hurting as a family. Sometimes life is fucked-up in various ways, and my family have been through hell and back the past couple of years. Every single incidence was life threatening and definitely unexpected. We’ve always believed that what you’ve given out to the universe is what you will receive in return, thus my family have always been about trying to do good, help others, and never complain. But it just somehow didn’t work out. Bad things were still happening. There were constant unavoidable dramas taking place despite the best attempt to avoid them. To be honest, I still don’t know how my family is going to survive this one. I assumed it will take multiple group therapy sessions in the future to sort out everyone’s emotions and properly heal. Maybe we will never completely heal and the void will be inside us eating us alive.
The hardest part of the aftermath of the death of a family member is that everyone demands and expects you to go back to normal life, the “old” life from before. But the truth is it will never be the same without that person. I am still trying to get used this fact and it hasn’t been easy. I sincerely hope somehow I gain some profound wisdom from this or I understand the world better compare to where I was before. But honest to god, I haven’t felt this empty inside in a very long time. We can carry on and live as fulfilled as we possibly could, but in the back of my mind, I still think that our tragedy just served as another warning or fictionary tale to other families and friends, to help them make an adjustment or change their attitudes about their loved ones because life is too short and my god you really have to cherish every moment!
Why as humans we never truly learned until something drastic happened around you? The history shouldn’t repeat itself yet it has been in every aspect of the existence of mankind. I did some research and read up the five stages of grief. And needless to say, I diagnosed EVERYONE in my family. But like I said, it is still too early to tell which direction our family is heading towards, and I won’t be sharing more insight on this until I know more.
I’ve also found it difficult to focus and concentrate on my daily task. Everything just seems less interesting and every perception changed forever. I hope to find fuel again, and get more motivations to get my life back on track. Maybe working on this blog again is my way of coping with heartache and finding a sense of purpose again. I’ve been stimulating myself with constant creative inspiration and social media distractions to get out of being sad or angry or depressed. So bear with me, my readers. I hope to stay consistent with my content even during the busier months.
Spent one wonderful and relaxing weekend in Barcelona, taking a quick short break from school and the hectic schedule. Who like me is not a big fan of choppy breaks? I mean I know I should be thankful I get ANY holidays at all but still, something just doesn’t sit right with me when I had to constantly readjust myself from vacay-Joyce to uni-Joyce (trust me, there is a difference). I absolutely adored Barcelona in the winter. It is not your typical white Christmas from its Northern European neighbors, with snowflakes falling down the windows, and bundled up in front of a fireplace, but the cold Mediterranian wind can still add to the chilly-effect. I personally love when the temperature drops a good 4-5 degrees at night, and the wind swiftly pierced from one stone wall to the other as pedestrians cuddled closer to each other, searching for warmth and comfort. I think winter in Barcelona adds a touch of an enigma to the city compare to the warmer months when the city is flooded with tourists and young hooligans. Winter in Barcelona is like the more reserved and serious side of this city, in other words, mysterious and discreet. My favorite activities include: indulging sweets (Chok donuts, for example), visiting Christmas Market, walk around the city to take in all the festive decors on every street, and enjoying one or two…too many cocktails in a hidden bar in a basement somewhere with dim light and impeccable atmosphere. Can’t think of any other way to spend a Saturday night, to be honest.